Hey everyone, Harper again. I’m back with another update because, well, things have somehow gotten even more chaotic since my last post. I didn’t think that was possible, but here we are. I’m still trying to wrap my head around everything that’s happened, and I figured writing it out might help me process. So, let’s dive in.
So, after I came back from that short break I mentioned last time, I thought I’d be able to handle things better. I mean, I’d had a few minutes to catch my breath, so I figured I’d be ready to jump back into the chaos of working for Silas. Boy, was I wrong. The moment I stepped back into the office, it was like I’d been thrown into a blender. The noise, the pressure—it was so much worse than before. I felt like I was barely keeping it together, like I might just lose it right there in the middle of the office. I kept thinking, “I just need to get through this. I just need to survive this day.” But it was so hard.
I’ve been trying to ignore the rumors about me, but they’re getting harder to shake off. People are still saying I only got this job because I’m sleeping with Silas, which is beyond frustrating. I mean, come on—I’m here because I’m good at what I do, not because I’m “entertaining” the boss. But the gossip just won’t stop. I overheard someone at the office the other day saying, “Oh, Harper’s just here because she’s Silas’s little plaything.” It took everything in me not to scream. I wanted to yell, “That’s not true! I’m working my butt off here!” But I didn’t. I just kept my head down and tried to focus on my work.
The worst part? I’m starting to think there might be some truth to what people are saying about Silas. Not the part about me sleeping with him—I’d never do that—but the part about him being… interested. I’ve caught him looking at me in a way that’s, uh, more than professional. Like, the other day, I was working late, and he came over to my desk to “check on me.” He was standing so close, and I swear I could feel his breath on my neck. It was… intense. I mean, I’m not blind—he’s charming, and that smile of his is dangerous. But I’m not about to let myself go there. I’ve got enough problems without adding a workplace fling to the mix.
I asked Tatum about it, because she’s been my rock through all of this. I was like, “Tatum, be honest—do you think Silas is into me?” She gave me this knowing look and said, “Girl, he’s definitely into you. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. But you need to be careful. You don’t want to get caught up in something that could ruin your career.” She’s right, of course. Tatum always knows what to say. But it’s hard to ignore the way my heart races when Silas is around. I mean, I’m only human, right?
Here’s the thing, though: I’m starting to wonder if I even want to stay in this job. The stress, the rumors, the constant pressure—it’s all taking a toll on me. I’ve been having these moments where I just… lose it. Like, the other day, I was in the middle of a meeting, and I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to scream. I didn’t, thank goodness, but I was this close. I keep thinking, “Is this worth it? Do I really want to keep doing this?” I mean, I’ve been working so hard to prove myself, but at what cost?
I’ve been trying to distract myself by focusing on the little things. Like, the other day, I was sitting at my desk, and I started fidgeting with a pen. I don’t know why, but it helped calm me down. I’d twirl it between my fingers, tap it on the desk—anything to keep my hands busy. It’s silly, but it made me feel a little more grounded. Tatum noticed and laughed. She was like, “Harper, you’re gonna wear that pen out if you keep that up.” I laughed too, but honestly, I was just glad to have something to focus on.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about what I want for my future. I mean, I’ve been so focused on surviving this job that I haven’t really stopped to think about what I want. Do I want to keep working in politics, dealing with all this drama? Or do I want to try something else, something that doesn’t make me feel like I’m constantly on the edge of a breakdown? I don’t know yet. But I’m starting to realize that I need to figure it out soon, because I can’t keep going like this.
The other night, I had a moment that really shook me. I was working late again—shocker, I know—and I suddenly felt this wave of panic wash over me. My hands were shaking, my heart was racing, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to step away from my desk and go to the bathroom to splash some water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I barely recognized the person staring back at me. I looked… exhausted. Like, completely drained. And that’s when it hit me: I can’t keep doing this to myself. I need to take care of myself, too.
Tatum’s been trying to help me through it. She’s been encouraging me to take breaks, to step away when things get too overwhelming. She even suggested I try some breathing exercises to help with the anxiety. I’ve been giving it a shot, and it’s helped a little, but I still feel like I’m barely holding on. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m at a crossroads. I need to decide what I want—for myself, not for anyone else. Do I stick it out and try to make it work in this crazy political world? Or do I walk away and find something that doesn’t make me feel like I’m losing myself? I don’t know yet. But I’m hoping I’ll figure it out soon.
